Too much Happiness (Is that what I want?)

Do you guys believe that extreme happiness will lead to sorrow? I finally understand that one can't really retain happiness forever, what is happiness is there's no sorrow? Ironically, what is sorrow if there's no happiness. 2014 by far had been an awesome year for me, but being happy for so many days, now that I'm alone back in the unit, it felt uneasy to have the feeling of loneliness. It's like I really have a lot for this past couple of months, but what if, all of these are just fragments of my imagination, maybe stuff weren't that beautiful at all. I totally agree that I'm someone that look optimistic from the outside, but still I feel that the pessimism within me will always seek for a moment when I'm vulnerable and it will slowly take over. That's when everything in my life starts to fall apart.

From the sincere smile on my face to the smile that I had to fake to hide my feelings.
From the most sincere friendship to the jealousy of nothing getting more.
From the selflessness of giving more to the selfishness of expecting more out of others.
From the most normal gossips to pure hatred.
From trying to care less to caring even into the slightest detail.
From giving advice to craving pity from others.
From a simple hug that I enjoyed to a hug that I hope could last forever so that I can hide that I'm actually not that okay as I seemed.
From doing sweet stuff to another person because of the urge to do it to doing it just because I want to impress others.
From narcissism to actually wanting someone to compliment me so that I feel that I'm really okay.

This might sound ludicrous. But the formal are what I feel when I'm feeling fine, but the latter is exactly what I feel now. Even though I would convince myself and others that when I'm doing stuffs, I'm doing it for others, but at this current moment, I can't even convince myself that I'm actually happy for doing stuff for others.

They would say...
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. I'm trying, but I guess some things are easier said than done.

Urrrggh! Maybe a good night sleep is what I need now. Since if what I feel and think cannot be conveyed to person I want it to be conveyed to. This whole venting I'm doing will just turn out to be naught. Another stupid lengthy "essay" no one would actually care. Period.